This comes out of memories that are alive in this body not simply as thoughts, every cell of my being is lighting up in this remembrance.

I want to share this story even though I am aware of an element of ‘fear to be judged’ in the system, I smile at it, as it belongs to nobody and the movement to share does not buy into any fear… it is potent and alive.

How the Virgin archetype Awoke in Me!

Many years ago (about 18) while I found myself in the experience of being locked in a jail in Japan for almost 3 years, it was related to a bunch of LSD being found in my apartment. Anyway, it was what it was and the conditions of the jail were extremely strict, Zen style, I was solitary confined and the whole thing was in silence although I was taken to a factory to work daily with 50 others in silence, we were screamed at abusively much of the day and we were counted while we stood to attention 8 times every day!

When I first arrived there I could not believe the conditions could be really true, that this was really going to be the programme for the next years, surely this was just the beginning phase and then we would be moved into another situation? No, this was it! A hard pill to swallow, it took some months to digest that reality and the body was totally freaked out in so many ways at first the way we were to eat together was like being in a cage of hungry animals in which the energy field was alive with greed and hate… I felt it to be a river of greed.

The silence was so loud yet the dominance was the Awareness of what was moving in the field of alive silence… thoughts and feelings could be heard and felt and this river was moving through me.

I lost my appetite totally as well as 18 kilos in weight and it took 3 months before I could take in a little food, we had a very limited time to eat, the food was delicious yet just 6 minutes to eat before the signal was given to hand over the plates, it was a rush job. And the noises were horrific, like hungry dogs and the sounds of the plates being rushed and packed is a sound embedded in the memory bank forever!

When I started eating the ONLY way I could take food in was to take a mouthful, close my eyes and meet it totally… to chew and chew and chew until it became liquid giving no attention to any thought at all, not buying into the time factor and the fear of not getting enough, not stepping into the energy of greed, stepping into a place where the noises or feelings were no longer dominant, it became the meditation.

In this way I could forget where I was and I started to focus on the gratitude, if it was a carrot in my mouth I was grateful for the planting of it, the watering, the growing, the carrying, the washing, the cooking etc. all the way until it arrived in my mouth… I could eat very little in the 6 minutes we were allowed but it was so total that there was nothing else existing but carrot itself, there was no mouth chewing the carrot, only carrot, the whole world became the colour, the flavour, the taste of carrot or whatever was being chewed, I became that, I had merged totally. It was not even a plan or a practice it just happened as the ONLY way to eat. It was survival.

I was being watched closely by all the prisoners and guards their faces looked as if they were observing a complete weirdo, they had never seen anything like it. I didn’t give any attention to that or buy into the self consciousness that was felt by being watched all the time with so much focus on this little alien white girl, it became just another sensation in the river.

I ate 3 times a day in this way and I started to come out of every mealtime in an unexpected state of bliss, it was the only way, And it was THE doorway!

After many months of this the experience grew stronger and I dived into every mouthful and entered bliss without any separation. I was more and more fulfilled at every mealtime on just a few mouthfuls of liquid food, it was a meeting in GOD.

I started to feel myself living in a tantric way more and more in other moments. About 9 months before my release a young Swiss woman arrived in the factory at the beginning of a 4 year journey, I saw the look of fear in her face that I knew so well… and I found a way to show her what I was doing, she picked up the same habit and after a while when we left the eating hall to stand in line and be counted she would just so happen to stand next to me… and as the guard looked down the other side of the line while counting we had a few seconds to sneak and whisper a couple of words… like ‘heaven’, ‘bliss’ or sometimes… ‘it’s better than sex’ !

This sent such waves of joy through our being that somehow spread down the line and some of the others sneaked in a smile! The conversation without words was loud.

I guess after maybe 18months there was a shift in which I found myself in what is called a ‘Satori’ that lasted for the rest of my time there and went through stages, at one stage there was some kind of orgasm in the heart where I realized compassion for all beings, it was holy…. I felt the love pouring through my heart as if it would explode and saw everyone including the screaming guards and sometimes vicious prisoners through this love that I am and all is…

At night I dropped through the extreme physical body pain and into the deepest bliss where I could no longer find a prisoner of separateness, I was totally alone in this. In the daytime things started to change… I no longer worried about when I would get out ( there was no date given ) and dropped totally into Now, just Being, I couldn’t find any other ME than THIS that is Aware, all roles had fallen away. There was no relating and there was no role to play except prisoner which was becoming more and more unbelievable even though it was still very much the experience at times!

After I was deported back to UK I continued to eat in this way with eyes closed and in a total tantric meeting, it was not a practice it had become natural… it was difficult for other people to be around me at mealtimes and it became everyone’s joke… they felt uncomfortable so they made jokes, still I kept with it for a few years as I felt it as a sacrilege to treat food in my mouth any other way.

I was totally in a Virgin state everything was new, everything was for the first time… just to see the night sky for the first time and to taste every little ‘normal’ thing in this way was like a new discovery of life. I had not seen a male form for 3 years (apart from a 3 month visit form the British Embassy) I suddenly started to experience all kind of female feelings for the first time in an expanded Awareness, I was shy, very shy to look in the eyes of man. After 4 months I attracted a male virgin…. My car mechanic, He was 26 years old and never had touched a woman!

I took a few things to a hotel room with him like Essential oils, candles, crystals, music etc. and filled up the room it was sacred. When we went to bed he allowed me to guide him with my voice and body into very slow lovemaking I could let go into the vastness, the universal, the She… while being in ecstatic pleasure with every little touch, we made love all night and he recognized the Godliness in him, it was such a perfect gift from life for both. There was no teaching of ‘it’ or speaking of it for I had no idea I had so called ‘awoken to reality’ I was simply aware that I was living in a virgin state that was not the same as anybody else around me, I was in a total gratitude with the very simple little things of each and every moment, yet it was just ‘normal’ for me, it had become life as it is. I found it disturbing that everyone was running around without noticing life as the miracle of Being.   So this young man got caught in this energy and it was his first experience sexually and he didn’t know any different except that he was being born!
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I am smiling all the way through sharing this and it is evoking all those feelings into life again… it makes every cell tingle with aliveness in waves and waves, just the memories are bringing the bliss. It was not yesterday, it is alive Now.

This Satori ‘state’ went on for a few years in a slower pace and I enjoyed tasting life in so many aspects for the first time it was all virginal, tasting the absolute benediction of this life, being so grateful for all the tiny little things… just the freedom to walk without being watched and feel the wind on the skin, being caressed by the breeze, this lovemaking of life with itself yet there was no way to talk about it or share it with anybody, in the beginning…

Some years later, I did attract another beautiful virgin Indian boy who had eyes like Ramana and seduced me with his presence against all the minds conditioned ideas… as my thoughts were yelling NO I could only surrender to his Godlike gaze it was of the same tantric quality, he was 23 years old I was 44! It was lovemaking for the very first time. He came to remind me of this virgin taste.

This taste is Here Now.

I feel yet again like I am being born again New. Everything is for the first time yet again, it makes no sense.

During those years in that experience of imprisonment I felt so many times that I would have to someday write about it, simply because the whole experience was so bizarre in so many ways!

Then after a few years of being back in the world I felt like, ‘why write a book, it’s just a story’….
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Well yes, it is ‘Just a story’ and it is one I am going to tell!

Stay tuned if you would like to share in this energy that comes alive in you and me,

It is.

The Virgin Taste.

❦

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